Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Myth of Christmas: Payment in Blood
(2)
Beginning beer #6 at 1615. Buzzing nicely. Now what?
Christmas. It's true, folks: I'm gonna do an analysis of Christmas. Bewarned...
First of all, Merry Christmas!
That said, I need to break the bad news to you all that 'Christmas' is a myth. Sorry.
I love the music! I love the festivities! I love the spirit of Christmas! And myths are really fun. I love myths. But most people think that myths are actual history. They don't understand the difference between history and myth. That misunderstanding leads to tragedy. Endless tragedy. Here is the myth of Christmas:
----------
The god gets bored, creates 'pets' in the form of humans. The 'pets' amuse the god for a while. The god gets bored again. The god decides to complicate the pet game. The god makes rules. The pets must obey the rules or suffer. The pets fuck up, break the rules. Imperfect pets! The pets must be punished for their imperfections! Hmm.
Death sentence. The pets are sentenced to death for their imperfections. The pets die. More pets are born, fuck up, and die. Gods eventually becomes bored yet again. God decides to 'jazz things up.'
God creates 'The Afterlife.'
Dead pets aren't dead after all! Hallemotherfuckinglajuh! Pets live on in either Heaven or Hell!
All pets go to Hell. Heaven is empty. No fucking pets. Hmm. Gotta fix that... Gotta figure out a way for some pets to get into Heaven with god. God won't be so lonely... Hmm.
God does LSD. Whoa! God becomes enlightened!
God realizes that doomed pets need to be rescued from Hell! Revelation!
But god is a Capitalist at heart. God needs to be reimbursed with blood (money has yet to be invented). All those pets in Hell represent a valuable commodity. God is willing to exchange all those residents of Hell for an equal value of really, really valuable blood.
Beginning beer #6 at 1615. Buzzing nicely. Now what?
Christmas. It's true, folks: I'm gonna do an analysis of Christmas. Bewarned...
First of all, Merry Christmas!
That said, I need to break the bad news to you all that 'Christmas' is a myth. Sorry.
I love the music! I love the festivities! I love the spirit of Christmas! And myths are really fun. I love myths. But most people think that myths are actual history. They don't understand the difference between history and myth. That misunderstanding leads to tragedy. Endless tragedy. Here is the myth of Christmas:
----------
The god gets bored, creates 'pets' in the form of humans. The 'pets' amuse the god for a while. The god gets bored again. The god decides to complicate the pet game. The god makes rules. The pets must obey the rules or suffer. The pets fuck up, break the rules. Imperfect pets! The pets must be punished for their imperfections! Hmm.
Death sentence. The pets are sentenced to death for their imperfections. The pets die. More pets are born, fuck up, and die. Gods eventually becomes bored yet again. God decides to 'jazz things up.'
God creates 'The Afterlife.'
Dead pets aren't dead after all! Hallemotherfuckinglajuh! Pets live on in either Heaven or Hell!
All pets go to Hell. Heaven is empty. No fucking pets. Hmm. Gotta fix that... Gotta figure out a way for some pets to get into Heaven with god. God won't be so lonely... Hmm.
God does LSD. Whoa! God becomes enlightened!
God realizes that doomed pets need to be rescued from Hell! Revelation!
But god is a Capitalist at heart. God needs to be reimbursed with blood (money has yet to be invented). All those pets in Hell represent a valuable commodity. God is willing to exchange all those residents of Hell for an equal value of really, really valuable blood.
