Thursday, February 18, 2010
I Will Never Abandon You
(4)
Enough with all that 'serious stuff.' I'm too buzzed. Timeout for some fun stuff. Lessee...
I am a huge fan of Cosmic Log, MSNBC's premier science blog. I never fail to read it. You know that. But while reading it this week I stumbled upon this article which alarmed me. 'Alarmed' may be too mild a word, actually, because the article electrified me in a most unpleasant way. WTF?! Lightspeed kills instantly?! I was horrified. I called Jesus immediately.
My longtime readers know that, from time to time, I talk to Jesus on the Brown Telephone. Indeed, I have uploaded 'softporn' to Jesus from time to time. Jesus loves me. But my last conversation with Jesus indicated to me that maybe Jesus was becoming too dependent on our personal connection. He expressed an alarming committment to the effect that, 'I will never abandon you.' Whoa. Never? Sounds like a marriage to me. And I'm already married.
The result is that I have been avoiding Jesus lately. I have not been calling Jesus on the Brown Telephone. However the article spurred me to communicate. I dialed Jesus'number:
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js: Hel-lo?
me: How's it going out there?
js: No-t-too-go-od.
me: What's the problem?
js: I'm dy-ing th-en re-su-rre-ting. I vi-bra-te in an-d out of ex-is-ten-ce. Ve-ry un-com-for-ta-ble. He-lp me.
me: Ok. I understand your problem. Your problem is caused by your extremely high speed. You need to slow down. Do you understand?
js: I un-der-sta-nd.
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Enough with all that 'serious stuff.' I'm too buzzed. Timeout for some fun stuff. Lessee...
I am a huge fan of Cosmic Log, MSNBC's premier science blog. I never fail to read it. You know that. But while reading it this week I stumbled upon this article which alarmed me. 'Alarmed' may be too mild a word, actually, because the article electrified me in a most unpleasant way. WTF?! Lightspeed kills instantly?! I was horrified. I called Jesus immediately.
My longtime readers know that, from time to time, I talk to Jesus on the Brown Telephone. Indeed, I have uploaded 'softporn' to Jesus from time to time. Jesus loves me. But my last conversation with Jesus indicated to me that maybe Jesus was becoming too dependent on our personal connection. He expressed an alarming committment to the effect that, 'I will never abandon you.' Whoa. Never? Sounds like a marriage to me. And I'm already married.
The result is that I have been avoiding Jesus lately. I have not been calling Jesus on the Brown Telephone. However the article spurred me to communicate. I dialed Jesus'number:
----------
js: Hel-lo?
me: How's it going out there?
js: No-t-too-go-od.
me: What's the problem?
js: I'm dy-ing th-en re-su-rre-ting. I vi-bra-te in an-d out of ex-is-ten-ce. Ve-ry un-com-for-ta-ble. He-lp me.
me: Ok. I understand your problem. Your problem is caused by your extremely high speed. You need to slow down. Do you understand?
js: I un-der-sta-nd.
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