Friday, January 29, 2010
We Have it Covered!
(2)
I should note here that when I began writing this week's initial entry the DSJC above me were generous with 'taps' but that as the theme became clear, they became silent. I like silent. So time now for a new Green Onion Article.
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San Carlos, CA - Officials at Natus Medical Inc. were horrified yesterday by a reports in local media to the effect that male infants were being sexually mutilated while being strapped down in Natus Circumstraints. The story was initially reported by Peninsula TV (cable channel 26) but then spread rapidly to other media in the area. Natus CEO, Jared Diamond Golden-Silver, a well-known pediatrician, responded to the initial reports with, 'Nonsense!' 'Our circumstraints are designed to immobilize infants who are undergoing important post partum procedures affecting future HIV health status! Natus Circumstraints provide a reliable method for holding the infant down while the procedure is done, thus relieving four nurses who are then free to accomplish other important tasks.'
KQED reporter Leslie McDonald pressed the issue by questioning whether the 'procedure' was 'actually necessary to the future health of infants who were unlikely to encounter the HIV virus for at least the next 12 years.' 'Suppose a vaccine against HIV is developed next year? How can young California men retrieve sexual sensitivity when coming of age?'
'We are working on precisely that problem,' replied Golden-Silver. We call it, 'stretch-o-nomics.' The precise technology is proprietary of course, but the public should be aware that we have the solution well in hand, and that our technicians have already come up with testable models. In fact, we are offering several Stretch-o-nomic models even as we speak, and we are furthermore working in the areas of Transplant Technology and Regenerative Genetics, both designed to restore natural sensory procesees.'
'We Have it Covered!' is our intended future company motto, and our Company Logo depicts our beloved location here in The Bay Area of the peninsula. Are you anti-semitic? Huh? Huh? Answer me that!'
Bay sources reported that McDonald was fired the day after he filed the report, 'for sexual reasons.' No details were given.
I should note here that when I began writing this week's initial entry the DSJC above me were generous with 'taps' but that as the theme became clear, they became silent. I like silent. So time now for a new Green Onion Article.
----------
San Carlos, CA - Officials at Natus Medical Inc. were horrified yesterday by a reports in local media to the effect that male infants were being sexually mutilated while being strapped down in Natus Circumstraints. The story was initially reported by Peninsula TV (cable channel 26) but then spread rapidly to other media in the area. Natus CEO, Jared Diamond Golden-Silver, a well-known pediatrician, responded to the initial reports with, 'Nonsense!' 'Our circumstraints are designed to immobilize infants who are undergoing important post partum procedures affecting future HIV health status! Natus Circumstraints provide a reliable method for holding the infant down while the procedure is done, thus relieving four nurses who are then free to accomplish other important tasks.'
KQED reporter Leslie McDonald pressed the issue by questioning whether the 'procedure' was 'actually necessary to the future health of infants who were unlikely to encounter the HIV virus for at least the next 12 years.' 'Suppose a vaccine against HIV is developed next year? How can young California men retrieve sexual sensitivity when coming of age?'
'We are working on precisely that problem,' replied Golden-Silver. We call it, 'stretch-o-nomics.' The precise technology is proprietary of course, but the public should be aware that we have the solution well in hand, and that our technicians have already come up with testable models. In fact, we are offering several Stretch-o-nomic models even as we speak, and we are furthermore working in the areas of Transplant Technology and Regenerative Genetics, both designed to restore natural sensory procesees.'
'We Have it Covered!' is our intended future company motto, and our Company Logo depicts our beloved location here in The Bay Area of the peninsula. Are you anti-semitic? Huh? Huh? Answer me that!'
Bay sources reported that McDonald was fired the day after he filed the report, 'for sexual reasons.' No details were given.
