Friday, February 06, 2009
Onionesque
(3)
DENVER, CO --- Days after undergoing cosmetic surgury to his penis on Valentine's Day, a Denver man expressed complete satisfaction with the result and heaped tons of praise on his Jewish Kaiser Permante physician, who is a Mohel during off-hours. "Whew!" a visibly relieved O'Bannon told reporters at a press conference held two hours after the procedure. "Oh, man. Oh, man! I mean, seriously, I needed that. I needed that one bad." "Damn, man, I'm telling you, that was one seriously high-quality procedure," added O'Bannon, leaning forward in his seat to yawn and crack his neck. That woman is a genius!"
Asked by reporters why he chose Valentine's Day for the procedure, O'Bannon replied, "Because of my upstairs neighbor who is Jewish. What a woman! I am going after that woman!"
Queried further by reporters, O'Bannon revealed that the woman upstairs had been "Sending him signals" for ten years or more, and that he was now "absolutely certain" that she was in love with him. O'Bannon further volunteered that as soon as his penis stopped hurting and regained some of its lost sensitivity, he was going to confront the woman. "That is the plan," said O'Bannon. "I am a believer. But even more than that I am a scientist. Ten years of data is just too much data to be ignored! I know in my heart that she will welcome me into her heart!"
The two women in question could not be reached for comment.
(Full disclosure: Certain phrases in the above article were plagarized from the Onion article, Charles Barkeley Finally Gets That Blowjob.)
DENVER, CO --- Days after undergoing cosmetic surgury to his penis on Valentine's Day, a Denver man expressed complete satisfaction with the result and heaped tons of praise on his Jewish Kaiser Permante physician, who is a Mohel during off-hours. "Whew!" a visibly relieved O'Bannon told reporters at a press conference held two hours after the procedure. "Oh, man. Oh, man! I mean, seriously, I needed that. I needed that one bad." "Damn, man, I'm telling you, that was one seriously high-quality procedure," added O'Bannon, leaning forward in his seat to yawn and crack his neck. That woman is a genius!"
Asked by reporters why he chose Valentine's Day for the procedure, O'Bannon replied, "Because of my upstairs neighbor who is Jewish. What a woman! I am going after that woman!"
Queried further by reporters, O'Bannon revealed that the woman upstairs had been "Sending him signals" for ten years or more, and that he was now "absolutely certain" that she was in love with him. O'Bannon further volunteered that as soon as his penis stopped hurting and regained some of its lost sensitivity, he was going to confront the woman. "That is the plan," said O'Bannon. "I am a believer. But even more than that I am a scientist. Ten years of data is just too much data to be ignored! I know in my heart that she will welcome me into her heart!"
The two women in question could not be reached for comment.
(Full disclosure: Certain phrases in the above article were plagarized from the Onion article, Charles Barkeley Finally Gets That Blowjob.)
